06/10/2012. My life thus far
We are all living in an insane asylum. Living a lie and plastering on a fake smile for the rest of the world to see. I want to bring fourth what is inside me- because I know if I don’t, it will destroy me.
But I can’t. No one wants to listen. No one notices and no one cares. Because if I fell away today it would be a blessing to them- no more of my mistakes. No more of my hindrance. That’s what I am. I’m just a nuisance that everyone has learnt to ignore.
No one really would mind. Because with everybody’s busy lives, who has time for the ones left behind? In this world, if you can’t rely on yourself, you are ruined. No one else will help- unless they are helping their own.
You have to be a part of something. You must blend in. You’ve got to be one of the group. To be saved (and savored) you must be one of them.
Belong. Accepted. Respected.
Alone. Ignored. Dismissed.
Falling away isn’t the answer I know. Youre just being Melodramatic- this is why you don’t get listened too. They boy who called wolf. But you haven’t called this cry before. This call has laid dormant under a weight of smiles, jokes, distractions and illusions. But it is rearing its ugly head.
It is your fault they don’t listen. It is your fault they turned their backs. You drove them away with your need. With your incessant need to be needed. To be accepted. So they did. They accepted you. Not because you are special. Not because you are unique- but because you needed it. They pity you.
Get up. Come to me. Do this. Come this way. Hurry up. Do that. Now. Urgent. Don’t wait. I want more from you. I expect more from you. Blood from a stone really.
How do you say no? You can’t. It’s damn near impossible. Because these people NEED you. You are the person they give their leftover shit too. And you take it. And they know you’ll take it- because you’re weak. Your no leader. You never have been and you never will be.
There is only so much you can give before there is nothing left to give. And it’s only just now I’ve realised, I’ve been giving to the wrong people. I’ve been giving all of my shine, my brightness, my spark to the greedy. To the people who have slowly worked their fingers into your soul. The greedy fingers that push and bend. That squeeze and make unbearable pressure around your soul so that it eventually dissipates and is no more. The very same fingers that are supposed to shape you a better person have made you a shell of a person.
You’ve lost the spark. It’s been taken by those greedy fingers. Slowly picked apart to leave you with nothing but a slither. And you’re using that slither to keep the pen wiring this story. But the slither is slowing fading. It’s loosing the shiny. And no one likes things that are dull.
When the light fades- you seek comfort. When the light fades- you seek familiararity. You seek the company of the non judgmental. The things you can savour. The food. You wrap your tongue around them like they are your long lost lover. You have a connection that is stronger than any other.
It’s ok. You’re safe. Stay still & quite. You don’t have to smile. The food enables you. It frees you. With each moment together, it frees the face of the mask you wear. Slowly, it pulls off each layer of fake happiness. Until its down to the core. And it doesn’t care what it sees. It is accepts whole heartedly & without hesitation. It doesn’t need you, it’s just there for you when you need it. And it never turns its back or ignores you.
You’re not stupid- you can see through its facade. You see the horns poking out, but why choose to see them when it’s so much easier to just be accepted by the devil in disguise? At least you’re accepted for who you are, not out of pity or Frustration.
My slither is fading fast. But it has hope. Hope that habits can change. It dreams of a time when it will not be a battle. When NO can be said proudly and without hesitation.
Other peoples need for your shiny has made you dull. It has sucked the passion out of you. That is why you rely so heavily on him. You have been too busy letting yourself be picked apart by those greedy fingers that you have left no passion for him. You demand from him. You have unrealistic expectations from him. And because he loves you, he does it.
You make him so mad with your laziness. With your blatant mistreatment of him. And you see the anger building, but there is nothing you can do. Your empty. Your slowly fading. But how do you break yourself free from this cycle? How do you say NO?
You have conned him. You’ve taken control and used your own greedy fingers on him to mould him into your puppet. You’ve barked orders, trained him- but for what? All you’ve done is drag him into your hole of comfort and he doesn’t even realise. You should have let him go- let him grow into the most wonderful person you know he could be. You’re selfish. You won’t let him go.
You love him. He is the water and you are the fire. He is the one that you will let into your head to hear your thought…. but does he want that? Or is it because you manipulated him into doing it? I feel that by dragging him close he’s running away faster.
But when I walk towards him- it will be the happiest day of my life. It will be the chance do start anew. I will finally be part of him. Forever. We will create our own magic. We will mould our own destiny.